It was June 2008. I had just found out I was pregnant. I didn't know what the hell I was going to do. I didn't have a job. Canito didn't have a job. We wanted this, by now that it happened, how were we going to support this baby? We talked it over many, many times, and couldn't decide on what to do. Untill one day, he told me we couldn't care for this baby.
I was staying over at my sister's house pretty often, because I didn't want to be around my mom. I found out I was pregnant while in my sister's house. Canito and I had decided that we really couldn't care for a baby, so I started looking for abortion clinics who accepted my health insurance. I made an appointment, and the night before the procedure, I stood in my sister's house. I called Canito, and told him that my appointment was for the next day. At this time, no one knew I was pregnant, so he couldn't really say much. He didn't have a phone either. I had to call him on his cousin's (The Super) phone. He just said ok, since he was with his friends, and in front of The Super.
My sister was a great support system. She was there for me in my time of need. She even went with me to the clinic. I am against abortions, but it was not the time to have a baby.
When I got to the clinic, I was so emotional. I didn't want to go through with it. Many times, I just wanted to run out of there. I (wo)maned up, and I waited. My sister saw my face, and she could tell I was emotional, and sad. This was my baby, and I was going to kill it? She gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be ok, and that she was there for me. I shed a tear. I was just soo sad.
When they called me to do the sonogram, I saw the little peanut. The nurse said that it was really small, and I wasn't too far along. When the doctor called me in, she told me that it was too small, and that if I went through with the procedure, there was a chance that I would still carry on with the pregnancy. I WAS ECSTATIC! I was so relieved, and so elated, and happy. She told me I could come back in 22 weeks, where the baby would be bigger. I asked if I could think it over, and she said of course I could. I got out of there with a smile on my face. All I kept thinking was, "This has to be a sign from God, right?"
I told my sister what happened, and she was also happy for me.
The next day, I was able to talk to Canito face-to-face, and told him what happened. I also told him that I thought it was a sign. He then told me that his friend was able to get him a job! By then, I was off-the-roof ecstatic! I told him I'd look for a job too, so we could have this baby, and I didn't want to go through with the procedure.
Before we decided on the abortion, I was so emotional, and confused. We cried together at times, from the confusion. And around the same time, his son's mom started bitching about child-support, too.
Not too long after my appointment, I got a job just 2 blocks away from where I lived. I had a job when The Super saw the pregnancy test. All of this happened before The Super knew. (in my last post)
Everything seemed to be falling into place. Except the night I told my mom I was pregnant. I was DREADING telling her. I got the courage to tell her, so I waited till her husband went out of the room. I knocked on her door, and she was on the phone. I couldn't not tell her now. I'd lose the courage. This is how the conversation went:
me: mom, i have to tell you something.
her: you opened your legs to him (Canito), didn't you?
me: yeah. we used protection, but it broke. and i think i might be pregnant. (i was crying to make it seem dramatic. i didn't cry cuz i was scared, or anything. and i told her i used protection, because i didn't want to tell her the truth.)
her: (she puts her head in her hands and shakes her head. like if she was devastated.)
By that time, her husband had re-entered the room, so I left to go to my room, which was RIGHT next door. Not even 2 feet away!
She finishes the call pretty fast, and when she gets out of her room, she motions for me to follow her to the kitchen. The kitchen was her smoking area. She asks:
when did it happen?
me: the day after my birthday (yeah, right). it wasn't in (The Super's) house either. we went to a staircase and did it. but the condom broke.
(hehe. i was on a roll here. i don't like lieing, but if you knew my mother, you'd lie too. it actually happened at her house)
her: i didn't want to have to say this, and you know i'm against it, but if you don't take it out, you have to get out. i won't accept a grand-child with a father like him (points downstairs).
me: (i start crying. this was NOT the reaction i was hoping for. i wasn't crying from sadness either. i was crying out of anger. this was my mom, and that's all she could tell me???)
So I go to my room, and just think.
The next day, I had to go to work. Before going into work, I go down to Canito's house, and tell him what happened. Since no one besides my sister knew about my appointment for the procedure, we act like it never happened.
Sidenote: I know this might seem harsh. But with my mom being my mom, its too difficult. I am against abortions, and I thank God everyday for my little girl. If I would have been further along in my pregnancy, I wouldn't have her today. It is something I am very, extremely thankful for. I know people out there can't have kids, and I'm happy I do have her. Its just at the time, we didn't think we could support her. Since he didn't have a job, and neither did I. I think about it everyday, and what if? But I do believe it was a sign from God, and he wanted me to be a mother. And I wouldn't change it for the world.
I told Canito in front of The Super what my mom said, and The Super said that I could stay there. Canito said that if I didn't want it, he didn't want to be with me. (i know its hypocritical. i felt the same way. i just didn't say anything, besides that i was going to keep it.) We planned for me to move in with them in 2 weeks. In the meantime, I was going to stay at my sister's house. They had to fix up the room where we would be staying. When I walk outside, The Asshole was there. He was looking for The Super. He asks me:
shouldn't you be working?
me: yeah. i'm on my way now.
him:(to the super) i've been looking for you for a while. there's a whole bunch of kids in front. i'm about to hit one of them. i'm going crazy to hit one of them. (to me) and your next.
Canito: try it mother fucker.
me: Canito, please. i don't want anymore problems. for me, please, don't.
The Asshole didn't hear him. I kind of wish he did though, so he could have got his ass kicked. Canito may be small, but The Asshole is all talk and no action. Except for people that can't defend themselves.
That same day, while I was working, my dad called me. I told him I'd call him back. It wasn't unusual for him to be calling me, but I had an idea as to why. When I get home, I go straight to my room. I was watching tv, and my mom comes in to do something with the computer. She asks me what I'm going to do.
me: i'm going to go to [my sister's] house. in 2 weeks, i'm going to live with Canito.
her: are you sure?
me: yes. u know i don't like abortions. my aunt did it, and i don't support her decision. it has a heart beat. i'm not going to do it.
her: you don't have to go. i called your dad and told him what was going on. i told him that ever since you turned 18, that you changed, and that i thought you were pregnant.
(CAN U BELIEVE HER??? WE HAD AN ARGUEMENT AFTER I TURNED 18, AND I TOLD HER THAT IT WAS HER WHO CHANGED. I TOLD HER I FELT BETRAYED. SO ANYWAYS, YEAH. CAN U BELIEVE HER?!?!?! SHE HAD THE FUCKING NERVE TO CALL MY DAD TO TELL HIM I CHANGED WHEN I TURNED 18, AND SHE THOUGHT I WAS PREGNANT. I later learned that there was more to her conversation with my dad.)
I call my dad, and he was very supportive. He was the one I was most scared to tell, because I never wanted my dad to be disappointed in me. He didn't mind at all. He was happy he was going to be a Grandpa.
My mom had told me that my dad said, "Don't be upset. That's another baby we get to spoil." That was a total lie. My dad later told me that she said, "Your daughter has changed ever since she hit 18. She's out of control. And I don't know, but I think she may be pregnant." My dad said, "Well, you need to look at it like this: you don't want the same thing to happen with Stephanie, like it did with [my sister]." That's when my mom calmed down. She knew that once I was out that door, I wasn't coming back.
One day, I was at my sister's house (this was before my mom knew I was pregnant) and Canito was with me. I wanted my sister to know who my baby's father was. My mom called me, and said that The Super was acting weird, and that Canito was still giving The Asshole dirty looks. (after all the rumors they started.) She talks to The Super, when she calls me back, and says, "You fucking told them!"
me: no i didn't.
her: yes u did! your a big mouth! i told you not to say anthing!
In the background you can hear The Asshole screaming, saying he was going to beat me and Canito up. (what a catch my mom has, huh?) She then tells me to come home, and to bring Canito because she wanted to talk to him.
When we get there, she actually denied the whole thing! That it wasn't her, nor The Asshole who started those rumors. And that what she supposedly saw on my birthday was him hugging the girl from 3B, putting his hand on the small of her back, and giving her a kiss on the cheek. BULLSHIT! If you have read my recent posts, you'll know that she did NOT say that! I was just astonished! How could she lie..... again?!?! I drop it though. I was stressed enough as it is.
You can kinda get a picture of how my mom is. She prefers to be a wife, before she's a mother. She has always put her husband before my brother, sister, and I.
So yeah. A few weeks after I told her I was pregnant, she said that The Asshole decided to let Canito stay with us. Yeah, right. People always said that it looked like The Asshole was in love with me, by the way he acted. He acted jealous, and possesive. And he used to touch me. I'm thankful that it never went further than that, because I would have sent him to jail. I told my mom once, but I don't think she believed me. I was like 13 when I told her. Everytime I had a guy in my life, The Asshole would stop talking to me. (again, if there's a cop reading this, i'd be more than happy to give you their address if you want to arrest him. at least if your in the Bronx, NY)
Anyways, Canito moved in with us. Right away, every little thing he did would bother my mom and her husband. He'd go to his friends house so he could smoke, since he couldn't do it in my house. My mom said that if he kept leaving me in the house so he could go out, that they were going to kick him out. I said, "Well just so you know...if he goes, I'm going with him. He is the father of my child, and I'm gonna go with him." She never attempted to kick him out again. I know she wanted to with all her heart, but again, she knew that if I went, I wasn't coming back. She would always say little things here and there just to get me bothered about him, so I'd leave him. I'd tell Canito what they would say. He put up with it because I was pregnant. Untill January 24th, 2008. (4 days before I gave birth.) After that day, my relationship with my mom kept getting rockier and rockier, untill it all fell apart. But looking back now, I wouldn't change it. At all. I will always love my mom, because she's my mother. She once told me, "Your father is taking all the credit of how I raised you. Him and Jo (my dad's ex) get to see the baby all the time, and I never got to see her. [The Asshole] never got to see her. Your father is taking the credit for how I raised. But rememeber, I'm just the bitch who gave birth to you." She told me that the last time we talked...well argued. That, my friends, is for another post.
Next Post: What happened on Jan. 24th, 2008. And other arguements I've had with my mother.
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