I think I have depression....

I think I have deleted this same post like 3 times already. I write something, then I don´t like how the WHOLE thing came out, and I delete it. IDK what´s wrong with me lately. Ever since my dad has been treating me the way he is, and criticizing me, I´ve been down in the dumps. All I wanna do is sleep. I procrastinate like CRAZY. I don´t want to do anything, or deal with anybody. And that started after my dad started saying those things to me. Thatś why I haven´t posted lately...and also because Canito has been home. 
But, today I woke up feeling GREAT! I washed clothes, cleaned the fans, cleaned the house a little bit. I even woke up earlier than I usually do. Not that early compared to other people, but I usually wake up around 10:30am-12pm, and today I woke up at 9:30am. Right away I got moving. IDK why I feel better, but I do. I LOVE IT!!!! 

Anywho... I spent the past weekend with my dad. From Friday-Sunday. Without Canito. Hereś why: 
Thursday night, my dad called me to ask if we could go over on Friday to clean his house. His future mother-in-law was going over Friday night for the first time. We said sure. Friday morning, my dad called me again, and suggests that we stay over, because he was sure that his FMIL would love to meet us. I said I´d ask Canito to see what he wanted to do. I talked to Canito about it, but he refused. He doesn´t really like being over there ever since my dad has treated us differently. I don´t blame him. I don´t like being over there, either. BUT I went, and stayed so my dad wouldn´t complain that we never go over there. I met his FMIL, and she was really sweet, and I got to spend more time with Rosa. 

Saturday, I was supposed to be going home. I didn´t have more clothes to stay another day. I had underwear, because I always bring extra. But I didn´t have any clothes. Canito told me that he wanted to go horse-back riding. I said ok, let me talk about it with my dad, to see if he could take me to the mall to get clothes. We coordinated, and I decided to stay. Saturday, I was at my dadś house by myself. He left around 5pm to be with Rosa at her job. He didn´t get back till like 10pm almost 11. I enjoyed it tho. =) Also, on Saturday, Canito didn´t have any money. I gave him money so that he could eat, or put gas in the car or whatever, but he spent it all on food. He doesn´t cook when I´m not home. He depends on me too much, lol. So, while Canito and I were on the phone talking about him not having money, my dad was saying, ¨Wait, he doesn´t have any money? Not even for gas? How is he going to come pick you up tomorrow?¨ I just shrugged my shoulders. After we got off the phone, I told my dad that Canito didn´t have any money because he bought some food since he doesn´t cook when Iḿ not home. Then, my dad says, ¨But I don´t understand. Why doesn´t he just........¨ And he cuts himself off. He was going to say, ¨Why doesn´t he just cook?¨ Why? You might be asking. Its as simple as this: HE BUYS FOOD ALL THE TIME! He bought pizza on Friday, he bought MORE food on Saturday when he went to Rosa´s job, and every time they´re together, he buys food. He doesn´t know how to cook, but she does. And he shut himself up, because he KNOWS he does the same thing. And then he´ll complain about me smoking cigarettes, and telling me I need to stop, when it takes me THREE-FOUR DAYS to smoke ONE PACK. And he smokes a pack, sometimes even more in ONE DAY. See the difference? I can quit. I CHOOSE not to, because since I´m always home, I don´t have anything to do. I know its a bad habit, but as soon as I get a job, or start school, I will quit. I do it to kill time. 
Another thing that happened on Saturday morning: Jay and I were on his bed. Jay was playing around with her grandpa, when he says, ¨She´s too skinny.¨ I say, ¨No, sheś just fine. Sheś size 4 diapers, remember?¨ He doesn´t say anything else. He´s going to keep on with these comments, because Rosa jr is almost the same weight as Jay. AT NOT EVEN 4 MONTHS! Jay just turned a year and 3 months yesterday. She´s good for her age. She´s healthy. 

Then, Canito called me to tell me that he sold our tire pump thing to his boss, and I said that was fine with me. I told my dad that he borrowed money from his boss, and he just shook his head in disapproval. He doesn´t approve of anything we do, or buy these days. 

Sunday, my dad went to church, and I stood at his house by myself, until Canito came to pick me up. My dad still wasn´t there. It was like 6:30pm. I was greatful though, because I just wanted to go home. 


On Monday or Tuesday, my dad started complaining about money....again. He was saying how he NEEDED Canito to get a job. Then, he says, ¨I told you I´d help you for a year. It´s been a year already. I need you 2 to start paying for your own things. I can´t anymore.¨ I stood shut, even though that was a LIE. He told me BEFORE HE MET ROSA-WHILE HE WAS STILL WITH HIS EX, IN FACT, WHEN HE NEVER WORRIED ABOUT MONEY, AND HE NEVER BOUGHT THINGS HE DIDN´T NEED, AND HE NEVER ATE OUT- that by 2011, he wanted us to be paying everything ourselves. 2011 isn´t even close. And....WE HAVEN´T EVEN BEEN IN PUERTO RICO FOR A YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I moved here June 4, 2009. Canito came June 27, 2009. And, we didn´t move into this apartment untill SEPTEMBER!!!!!! He´s only saying that because he hardly has money anymore from buying so much bullshit! But whatever. Like I said before, I don´t like living off of his money. I´ve been independent since I was 14. I WANT and NEED a job. I´m just waiting to get my high school diploma, so that way I could get a job. 

And, he used to help out my sister-in-law pay her bills (for SEVEN MONTHS-he even got her a car!), and my mother-in-law if she ever asked for anything, and he´d even help Canito with his child support if he didn´t have the money. Now, he doesn´t do ANY. It is his money. But since he has a new step-daughter, and is engaged, everything revolves around them. I´m not jealous. Please don´t interpret this as jealousy. I couldn´t care less. Iḿ just tired of his complaining, and criticism! 


Oh, you want to know something interesting? You know how my dad was complaining about birth control, and the whole, ¨Stephanie, you don´t understand the importance of you not getting pregnant. You can´t right now. Your not understanding that if you get pregnant, I can´t help you out anymore than I already am."? Well, turns out, Rosa is most likely pregnant. THEY´VE BEEN DATING FOR LIKE 2 MONTHS! THEY´RE ALREADY ENGAGED, SHE HAS A NOT EVEN 4 MONTH OLD DAUGHTER, AND SHE´S MOST LIKELY PREGNANT! 
She´s like a week late. This came up over the weekend, too. I asked my dad if Rosa was usually regular with her period, and he said yes. Then, when we talk, I ask him if she´s gotten her period yet, and he´ll say, ¨Not yet. She has the symptoms, though, so maybe tonight, or tomorrow.¨ Yesterday, he told me the EXACT SAME SENTENCE!! And I told him, ¨Papi, you know you´ve been telling me the exact same thing for about a week now, right?¨ ¨(laughing) Yeah, I know. But only because she´s been telling me the same thing¨, he says. 
me: period symptoms, and pregnancy symptoms are very similar. i´ve been through it twice, and she once. i´d know.
him: i know.
OH! And she´s been craving chicken and french-fries. She craved the EXACT SAME THING while she was pregnant with Rosa jr. Nice, huh? So all the bullshit, and criticism he´s been giving me, only turns around and BITES HIM IN THE ASS! Thatś being such a hypocrite, don´t you think? 


(Please note, that I don´t have ANY problems with Rosa. She hasn´t done anything wrong. It´s my dad. Now that he´s all happy, and in love, he sees my daughter differently, and he´s treating me differently. But that´s all him. Not her.)


I´m so sick of hearing him complain about everything, and criticize me. About money, about not getting pregnant, about Jay being too skinny. WTF is up with that? 


It has put a damper on my mood lately. So much so, that for EVERYTHING I cry! Yesterday, Canito told me he was going to go see the horse races, and I started CRYING. Just because he told me that! THINKING about crying makes me want to cry. Thinking about the pounds I want to lose, makes me cry. Thinking or talking about the shit my dad has said to me, makes me cry. Thinking about being broke, and not even having the money to get my daughter things that she needs, or I want to buy her, makes me cry. Thats the main one. It makes me feel HORRIBLE that I don´t have the money to get my daughter new toys, or onsies, because she needs them. Or another pair of shoes, some clothes. I can´t get it. If my dad asks if I need anything, I´ll say ¨no¨, or tell him small things like deodorant, or toilet paper, or diaper rash cream, so it won´t be too expensive. And even then, Iĺl just use the debit card he puts money in, to buy the things we need. And I try so hard not to spend more than like $20-$30 at a time. If it comes out more than that, I´ll say to myself, ¨I shouldn´t have bought that. I could´ve gotten it next week.¨ For things we NEED. Because I don´t want to hear him complain about money!!!!!!! If I don´t use the debit card, heĺl tell me that I can use the Visa. I DO NOT under any circumstances touch the Visa, unless he tells me to. EVER. 

It´s been so bad, that I REGRET moving to Puerto Rico. I think that we were better off in NY. Canito had a job-a GOOD PAYING job. I still had child-support coming in. And even then, if I hadn´t gotten child-support, Canito´s job would have helped. We could have saved up, and moved to another state, where it´s cheaper. 
After I came here, Canito got so desperate from me not being there, we had NO CHOICE but to move here. If he could have waited TWO MORE WEEKS, or if I wouldn´t have come here in the first place, we would have still been in NY. And I would have been fine with that. We would at least have had money. Jay would have EVERYTHING she needed, or wanted. If only......




Since I haven´t posted lately, I´m also going to post a TMI Thursday. 


Sidenote: Just writing-well...typing- and thinking about all of this has really put a damper on my mood. I wish I would have never come here for a vacation. I think we would have been better off............
Do you guys think that I´m over-reacting, or being self-centered, or jealous? I need some advice. Even I think I´m over-reacting, I´m just venting it out. I just really wish I would have never come to PR. I HATE being broke, and hearing him bitch.