Sorry I haven't posted lately guys. It's just everytime I think about writing this post, I dread it. It brings back a lot of unwanted memories, although I think about it everyday. This is very personal, and when I think about it, let alone write about it, I get angrier, and angrier. You'll get a little taste of my mother, and why we don't talk.
June 2008:
I had told my mother I was pregnant, and instead of exclaiming, "WOOHOO! I'M GOING TO BE A GRANDMA AGAIN!" She told me, "I didn't want to say this, but you either have to take it out, or get out. I won't accept a grandchild with a father like that." (Referring to my baby-daddy, Canito.)
I was shocked, and hurt. That was NOT the reply I was expecting. But ever since I had started dating Canito- correction- ever since I had turned 18, she was trying to take over my life. More than ever. She knew that when I turned an official adult, I was doing whatever I wanted to do. I have NEVER-AND I REPEAT-NEVER disrespected my mother before face-to-face, or otherwise, in my ENTIRE life. (not counting the sex in her house ;).) Not even when we argued. I have never talked badly to my mother. I have never even defended myself except for the last time I talked to her. So, without further ado, back to the beginning.
Throughout my whole pregnancy, my mom would try to give me a hint that I should dump Canito. Pointing out his flaws, never his good qualities. Except for once. Canito and I had argued, and I'm the type of person who talks it out. Canito doesn't do that. He doesn't like confrontation. One day, he was going to walk out of the house to cool down, but I called him, and we talked it out. It was about me having guy-friends. He's a jealous person, and I'm a friendly person. Not in a slutty way, but I smile with everybody. Not flirtatiously either. We started arguing about that, and when we got home, my mom translated everything I was saying, and we just went back and forth. Untill Canito says, "She has my heart. I would never want to hurt her." At that point, my mom actually started crying (!), and said, "If you don't love him, I will." (I hope she meant as a son.)
Other than that, she always tried to put him down: the fact that he smokes, how he was always in his friends house (i didn't blame him.), how he would leave me at home by myself, how he was "sitting back, and waiting for everything to be handed to him", how he had a son. Everything and anything she could complain about, she would complain about it. Things were always tense at her house, because The Asshole was always talking shit, and they would always try to get up in our business.
I was about 6-7 months pregnant. My phone was messed up, because I had ACCIDENTALLY dropped it in the toilet. It wasn't broken, but sometimes it wouldn't ring. So Canito called me, and he tells me he's been trying to call me, and I told him my phone hadn't rung. He was mad, because he doesn't like it when I don't pick up my phone. He hung up on me. I call him back, and I tell him that I'm not lieing, my phone didn't ring. Here's where my mom gets all up in my biz':
her: YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. SHES NOT LIEING. THATS THE FIRST TIME HER PHONE RANG.
(i'm waving my hand at her for her to be quiet.)
canito: look, don't wait up for me,
(he hangs up)
me: YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID? I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY ANYTHING! NOW HE SAID NOT TO WAIT UP FOR HIM.
(i was crying, and i ran to my room.)
The Asshole comes out, and asks what's going on, and of course, my mom tells him.
(sidenote: i'm getting shakey and i have butterflies in my stomach as i'm writing this. you know the butterflies you get when something bad is gonna happen. those butterflies.)
TA: wtf is going on?
mom: (relates the story.)
TA: (comes in my room.) I WANT TO TALK TO HIM WHEN HE GETS HOME. I'M TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT.
me: I DON'T GET INVOLVED IN YOUR PROBLEMS, SO DON'T GET INVOLVED IN MINE.
TA: (he gets closer like if he wants to hit me, and my mom holds him back.) WHAT?!?!?!
me: YOU HEARD ME! I'M NOT DISRESPECTING YOU! I SAID I DON'T GET INVOLVED IN YOUR PROBLEMS, SO DON'T GET INVOLVED IN MINE!!
TA: (he's talking shit, but at this point, i was too upset to even notice. i honestly can't remember what was said after that.)
I get ready, and I go to where Canito was working. (it was only around the corner in a bodega.) I tell him what happened, and that I didn't want to be there anymore, to call his cousin, or I'd call my dad, to see if we could go to PR with him. He said to call my dad. I left the store, and proceeded to call my dad. He couldn't say much, besides calm down because it wasn't good for the baby.
I went home, and when I got there, my mom wanted to talk to me. (just great! note sarcasm there.)
She said that The Asshole wanted to apologize for the way he acted, he felt embarassed, and ashamed, and he was sorry. (note that this is coming from her. NOT him. it was all a lie. it was just so we wouldn't leave. i was paying rent. for a piece of shit room. $415 A MONTH! (i'm not complaining about paying that much, but she wanted me to get my own apartment "supposedly", but she was charging her own daughter rent.) TO MY OWN MOM. AND GET THIS: EVER SINCE I WAS LIKE 13 MY DAD PAID CHILD SUPPORT. I GOT 2 CHECKS, AND THEN SHE SAID THAT HE STOPPED PAYING. WHICH WAS ANOTHER LIE. SHE WOULD KEEP IT TO HERSELF. AND WHEN I WAS 17, SHE FINALLY TOLD ME I RECIEVED CHILD SUPPORT. WHICH SHE CONTINUED TO TAKE HALF OF FOR RENT MONEY. WHO CHARGES THEIR OWN DAUGHTER RENT MONEY BEFORE THE AGE OF 18? THATS JUST FUCKED UP! I GET HELPING OUT WITH THE BILLS, OR FOOD. BUT RENT?!?!)
OOOOO! Dating back to August. I was 4 1/2 months pregnant. I didn't really have a belly. But Canito went to see his son in Maryland. I stood the night at my sister's house, because I didn't want to be alone. I called my mom the next day, and told her everything was fine, and that Anita (his son's mom) went to pick them up in the morning, because Anita let Canito's son stay the night with Canito in the hotel room. She supposedly heard wrong, and told The Super that she stood the night with Canito! Canito called me and asked what was it that I told her, and I told him what I said. I called my mom, and told her that no, what she said was wrong, and now there's going to be another rumor on the block, and I'm tired of being in rumors. She said, "FINE THEN STEPHANIE! DON'T TELL ME SHIT ANYMORE." (i used to tell her everything. she was my best-friend.) So I said, "TRUST ME I WON'T!" And she hung up on me.
January 24th, 2009. (4 days before i gave ♥ birth ♥)
As usual, The Asshole was bitching and complaining. He went to the store for my mom, and my brother was at another store. Canito went to get me something to eat. TA started complaining that he didn't have the cart, and how come no one could take it to him. When he gets home, he starts bitching like crazy, and yells at my brother (nothing new), and still bitching about not having the cart, and no one took it to him (i knew he was referring to Canito).
Then he comes to me, and says, "When your husband gets home, I want to talk to him." I called Canito crying, (in my defense, i was pregnant, and i cried for EVERYTHING!) and I told him I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to live there, and to call his cousin to see if we could move in with them. (his cousin is the super, and he lived right down stairs.) His cousin said yes, and Canito brought me my food. That's when it started.
canito: eat, then pack your stuff, cuz we're leaving. i'm tired of this shit, and of this asshole always talking shit.
TA: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
canito: YOU HEARD ME "MAMA BICHO" (which means dick sucker in spanish lmao). I'M TIRED OF U SCREAMING AT "LA NENA" (he's always called me that), AND THEN HER CALLING ME CRYING FOR UR STUPID ASS U FUCKING DICK SUCKER.
mom: YOU NEED TO RESPECT MY HOUSE!
canito: IM NOT DISRESPECTING YOU! IN FACT...(opens the door to go to the hall-way)
TA: (walks outside....WITH MY MOTHER IN FRONT OF HIM!)
canito: TALK SHIT NOW DICK SUCKER! I TOLD YOU THAT IF YOU HAD A PROBLEM WITH ME, YOU TELL IT TO ME. AND IF YOU WANTED MONEY, TELL ME! DON'T GO SCREAMING AT LA NENA, FOR HER TO CALL ME CRYING DICK SUCKER. DO SOMETHING NOW. COME ON. TALK ALL THE SHIT NOW FUCKING DICK SUCKER.
My mom was holding TA back, but he wasn't even trying to push her aside. AT ALL. WHAT-SO-EVER! Like seriously. I'm not even saying this becuase I HATE him with a passion. It's the truth. He did not try to push her aside. But when he was hitting my sister, my brother, and me, my mom had BRUISES on her arms from him holding her back so he could hit us. HE'S A FUCKING PUSSY! HE'S ALL TALK AND NO ACTION! A FUCKING COWARD!
Sidenote: I wish I was telling him this to his face. So he can know how I despise him. God forgive me. I know I'm not supposed to hate anyone, but I can't help it. I hate him. He made my life miserable. From the way that my own mother betrayed me, I don't trust my own hubby. And he has NEVER done me wrong, in any way. I took a class not too long ago, called Impacto Vital (Vital Impact), and it helped me with my trust issues, and how to forgive my mom. When I look back now, I know she was just trying to protect me. But the way she went about it was the wrong way to do it.
Anyways, the fight stopped after Canito saw that I started getting in the middle. He told TA to meet him downstairs, and I told him not to, to think about his kids. He went downstairs anyways, but TA never did. (coward). Canito started fixing up the room downstairs, and TA came to me, and said:
You don't need to leave. This is your house, your mother's, and your brother's. I'm leaving, but you don't need to. But when I see Canito, I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to (moves his hand in a slicing motion) cut him up with my machete. (idk how to put pics on here, i'll learn eventually, but if you don't know what it is, type in machete on google, and you'll see what it is.)
I just nod my head, and think whatever. I was stressed out as it is.
He goes to talk to my mom, and before the arguement, I was talking to my dad, and told him that we were leaving, and then I had to hang up on him, because the arguement started. My mom comes in later, and tells me:
this was all planned.
me: what?!?!
her: this whole arguement was all planned. remember when the super came up, and they talked? they planned this out.
me: omg! whatever!
her: ask him!
She leaves the room, and I call my dad, and I actually laugh about it! She just can't stop, can she? She believes EVERYTHING TA tells her. While I'm talking to my dad, my mom barges in my room, and asks:
is that your dad?
me: yes.
her: tell him i'm not going to court to take him off child-supprt. he called the cops, and it wasn't his business. he needs to mind his own business.
She leaves again.
me: (to my dad) can you believe her?!?!
him: yeah. i know. she was never like that.
me: i know!
We hang up, so I can finish packing. My mom called me later on in the day, and tells me:
he better get you out of there in one month.
me: what are you talking about?
her: he needs to find you an apartment in one month. if not, (gets on her knees) i swear to my mother, (R.I.P Grandma) that i will call the health department, and send them to you, so they can see the roaches, and rats, and i will take your baby away.
me: (i start crying.)
her: i swear to my mother, stephanie. i will do it.
I walk away and say, "YOU JUST LOST ANOTHER DAUGHTER, MOM." (she and my sister didn't talk at the time.)
I keep packing, and Canito comes up, and sees me crying, and asks what happened. I tell him, and he says, "Oh yeah. They want to fuck like that?" TA comes out of the room, and asks my mom what was going on. Canito was going to say something to him, but I told him to please not to, because I really didn't want anymore problems. He takes the stuff downstairs, and at around 8-9 pm, I ask my mom if I could come back tomorrow, to get the rest of my stuff, and she said ok. I just leave. I have NEVER left to go somewhere (besides school), without giving a kiss to my mom, telling her I love her, and that I'd see her later. And you know the funny part: I cried because I'd miss my cats! (she had 28) But my 2 babies were Nemo, and Pirate. I looked at Pirate, and Nemo and started crying. I told Canito, and I was laughing at the same time. I said, "I'm not crying because of what happened. It was bound to happen. I'm crying because I'm going to miss Pirate and Nemo!"
The next day, we went back upstairs to get our stuff. My mom pulled me aside, AGAIN! And told me that she wasn't lieing about what she said the day before. She WILL take away my child, if Canito didn't find me an apartment in ONE MONTH. (for those of you who don't know what nyc rent is like, its expensive. it's one of the most expensive cities in the u.s. studio: $650-900; 1 bedroom: $800-1,000; 2 bedroom: $1,000- about 2,000; and so on. Multiply that by a deposit, PLUS broker's fee. We'd have to get almost $2,000 only for a studio, in ONE MONTH. Not including utilities.)
She also told me, "Like you said, you don't have a mother. I'm dead to you. Don't call me, don't knock on my door, nothing. I don't have a daughter, and you don't have a mother." I asked, "Is it ok if you send my mail down with [my brother]?" She said, "Fine." I honestly didn't care. It was a weight off of my shoulders. I didn't have to deal with all her drama, or her bull-shit anymore. I was stressed enough as it is. That's not good when your 40 weeks pregnant or 10 months. (if your 4 weeks prego, its one month on a pregnancy calander.)
The day after that, my brother calls me. He wanted to see if I was ok. Well, my mom did, but she sent my brother to call me, because she didn't have the balls to ask me herself. Mommy dearest is actually worried about her daughter, huh? She then apologizes through my brother to me. I apologized back, and told him to tell her that I was going to write her a letter telling her how I felt, because she knew I wasn't good with face-to-face. I get too emotional, and I never know what to say. I've always been better with expressing myself through writing. She sends me a letter first, and in the letter, she just blames EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED on Canito. I sent a letter back, telling her that she knew it was The Asshole who started with the comments. We went back and forth, and it wasn't getting anywhere. We decided to leave it as it is, and try to have a relationship.
On Tuesday, January 27th, 2009, I had a gynocologist appointment. It was my due date. (well my due dates were in between the 27th, and 31st. of Jan.) I told my doctor that I still had contractions (i had them for over a month because of a puking spree i had in december. it started my contractions, and everytime i would walk a lot, i'd get contractions.) She gave me a referal to go to the hospital. I didn't have to go right then and there, but I had to go that same day. I had to send Canito's child support, and go to 2 different stores. That really got my contractions going. I went to the hospital, and I told my mom to come, because I thought I needed her there. She'd been through it 3 times, she could help me, right? I didn't need her there. I think I'd just feel bad if I didn't invite her there. So she was there during my labor. (natural birth just in case your wondering, lol. (BUT I HAD AN EPIDURAL!!! in ny, the insurance pays for it, thankfully. if i could do it all over again, give birth to Jay again, i'd hold out on the epidural for a lil longer.)
She and Canito were getting along ok. She went there everyday, and brought me food (hospital food sucks!). She was a good mother in those days. It was the same day I gave birth (Jan. 28. i was 16 hours in labor.) that she and my sister started talking. She actually said, "This baby is going to bring the family together." Her EXACT words. And she started talking to my sister again. (that didn't last long, but i'll save that for my next post.) I got out of the hospital Jan. 30th. On February 2nd, it was my mom's birthday, so I was going to go upstairs and spend a little time with her.
That didn't happen. We went to Canito's best friend's house during the day, because Jay had jaundice, and since we lived in the basement, our room didn't have ANY windows. We went to their house so Jay could get some sun. We then went to Sthrn. Blvd. so Canito could maybe do his taxes. On our way there, we run into The Asshole! He just says, "Oh, that's the baby."
me: yes.
him: today's your mother's birthday.
me: i know. i'm going to go upstairs later on.
him: ok. see you later, then.
We keep walking. Canito couldn't stand him, so he just stood off to the side, waiting for TA to say something to him, hehe. When we finished, we went back to Canito's friend's house. As mentioned before in recent posts, TA has a camera facing the outside of the building. There's 2 building's adjoining and they are from the same residence. We were in the next building, which TA could see from his camera. When we went home, Canito went to work, and I called my mom. This is what the conversation was like:
her: hey (when she says "hey", and her tone of voice, i knew she was bothered about something.)
me: hey. i'm going to take a shower, get the baby's stuff ready, and go upstairs.
her: don't bother.
me: what? why not?
her: you know what happened, stephanie. don't bother coming up.
me: what are you talking about?
her: you know what i'm talking about, stephanie.
me: NO I DON'T! WHAT DID I DO? WAS IT BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENEDON STHRN. BLVD.?
her: YOU ALREADY KNOW WHY IM MAD!
me: NO I DON'T! I WAS GONNA GO UPSTAIRS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY SO WE COULD SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER, AND YOU COULD SEE THE BABY!
her: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, STEPHANIE! I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE ON MY BIRTHDAY!
And she hangs up on me. Did you read me doing anything wrong on her birthday? Was it because I was indifferent towards her husband? Was it because we went to Canito's friend's house? Till this day, I still don't know what I did wrong.
I didn't call her for a few days. About a week later, she called me, to tell me she had my clothes from when I was in the hospital. I said I'd get them the next day. The next day, I went upstairs to get my clothes. She was indifferent towards me. With her, I didn't know what the fuck I did wrong that time. Then she says:
oh. and tell [canito] that i'm going to take him to court because he won't let me see the baby.
me: what?
her: he promised me when you were in the hospital, that i'd be able to see her when i wanted to. he broke his promise to me. i never get to see the baby anymore.
me: (i'm just in shock.) and your going to take him to court?
her: i'm going to take him to court to claim my rights as a grandmother, so i can see the baby.
I just leave, and slam the door on my way out. Is she fucking kidding? You can't take him to court to claim your rights as a grandmother. She always used to manipulate, and lie to me to get her way. She'd always use court to make me shit in my pants. But I KNEW that she was bullshitting. She can only take us to court if she wants custody of Jay, and she had no proof that we were bad parents. And we weren't. And still aren't. We are good parents. She doesn't think so. So, I just stopped talking to her after that. When she and my dad had to go to court, so he could stop paying child-support, (he didn't want to. he wanted to help me out in any way that he could. he only wanted to get out of the court systems, because his job was letting off a lot of people, and he didn't know if his job was secure.) the Judge denied the claim, and she called me the same day. My phone was off, because of my battery, and I had a message from her. She called me again, and she was all nice, and I told her why was it that I stopped calling her. All she said was to let's forget about it. She missed me. I kept calling her after that. We would talk about 3-4 times a week.
In March-April, I had a pap-smear done, and the results came back abnormal. I was just stressed, because I have NEVER cheated on Canito, so wtf could I have? I didn't have cigarrettes, so I asked my mom if she could send my brother down to give me some, but he wasn't there. She came down herself, and while she was there, Canito came home. There is a lot of problems between them, so because of my mother...AGAIN, Canito and I started having problems. I don't blame him, because we were talking about her that same day, and how she was just wrong for everything she has put us through. We almost seperated, but we worked it out thankfully. Unfortunately, he wanted some space. We worked that out as well, in time. One day, he was talking to his mom, and how I should go to PR for a vacation, and to give Canito space. I decided that it was a good idea. I was thinking about going to North Carolina, so I could see my aunt. I haven't seen her in like 6 years. She was the first person who knew I wasn't a virgin anymore. But, since I wanted to meet my mother-in-law, and see my dad, I decided to go to PR.
I tried buying the ticket, but for some reason, it wouldn't accept my debit card. I called my mom to ask for her help, and she bought the ticket for me. I was going to PR for 3 weeks. I was going to be with my dad for Father's Day, which I hadn't done in YEARS. Canito was ok with this. The day I left, which was June 4th, 2009, I didn't see my mom. I hadn't seen her since the day she brought me my cigarrettes. And to tell you the truth, because she was so hypocritical, and condescending, and manipulative, I didn't want to see her either, and I didn't want her husband to see my daughter either. He has NEVER seen her, except on Feb. 2nd, which was for like 30 sec., and in NY they sell these plastics for the stroller, to protect the baby from the snow, rain, or wind. So he saw her through the plastic. And even then, she had a hat on, her coat, and like 2-3 blankets. =D
The relationship between my mother and I was ok during the time. I called her before I boarded my plane, and after I landed.
A week later, I called her, and the first thing she said to me was, "Oh! Your still alive?!" I said, "What is that supposed to mean?" "It's just since you haven't called me in so long.", she says. I say, "It's only been a week. And you can call me, you know." "I know, I just don't like to bother you. I know your with your dad, and your family, and I don't want to bother you." I just let that one slide. I didn't want to argue with her. We were ok for the time being. Except for 2 times. That is for my next post, because this post is getting long as hell, lol. STAY TUNED!
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