"You Never Know What You Got, 'Till What You Got Is Gone"

Today, I went to the doctor's to see if I could get a prescription to get my blood drawn to do a pregnancy test. (Here you need a prescription everytime you need your blood drawn.) I waited about half an hour to see the doc. Only to be seen for like 2 minutes. I mean, I didn't mind, because hello? I need to find out wtf is going on with my menstrual. I'm worried. I took a pregnancy test 2 days ago, and they both came out negative. But I'm now 4 days late, if you count a 33-day cycle. I have the pains of menstrual cramps, but nothing. And I have a feeling I'm pregnant, although he never finished inside me, but I guess I'm really fertile, or he has some super sperm! (LMAO) The only times I have EVER missed a cycle, is when I got pregnant with Jay, and when I was pregnanct in October (accident... well sort of) but I miscarried. I don't believe in abortions, although it did cross my mind, but I wouldn't ever go through with it. I mean it's murder. Plain and simple. So I found out I was pregnant that time, because I was in the hospital with Swine Flu. Not very fun to have, might I add. I tell the doctor that my menstrual was over a month before that. I had taken a pregnancy test, but it didn't look too clear. It had the 2 lines, but one of them you could barely see. But while I was there, they told me because I was pregnant. (Blood tests don't lie people, lol.) I knew how far along I was, which was only about a month, because I know when it happened. I was ovulating, and Canito finished inside me (sorry I know, TMI). And to prove to everyone it really does only take ONE TIME! I had a feeling there too, because again, noo menstrual, but with cramps. The same thing happened while I was pregnant with Jay. She was a planned baby. After it happened, we were scared because neither of us had a job, and I was living with my mother, and my brother, and my mom's husband. (Every blog I write, if I talk about my mom, I will NEVER refer to her husband as someone related to me. NEVER.) It might seem harsh, but trust me, I have my reasons. But after that, he found a job, then I found one, but I left it because I was under too much stress and I would get really dizzy from the heat, and standing up. Like to the point where I almost passed out a couple of times. And then he got an even better job right around the corner from where we lived! (We decided...well not we but my mom and her husband decided we should stay with them! So we did, and it was HORRIBLE. But we left right before I gave birth due to tooooooo many problems with her husband.)
So anywho, my first pregnancy I had more symptoms. I was dizzy, nauseos, (that's how it's spelled I looked on Google! lol) I had cramps, but never morning sickness. I had a feeling but when I missed my menstrual, that's when I knew. I took like 7 pregnancy tests, including one from the gyno's, and ALL of them came out positive. So the second time I got pregnant, it was positive I was just confused. NOW, I really don't know, because they both came out negative, but I have no menstrual. I really don't know why. I might not have what you might call a regular period, but since I had my first menstrual April 7, 2001 (yes I actually remembered! lol) I have NEVER missed a period, besides when I got pregnant. 
I got the prescription, but it has been so ugly here today, and when you go to the Lab here, you have to wait one hour for any kind of results. I was not gonna be waiting, with my child in the rain. I WILL go on Monday, I can promise you that, because I need to know. I'm hoping it's some kind of infection. It's just not the right time to have another baby right now. (But then again when IS it right time?) Jay isn't even 2. Canito doesn't have a steady job. Only because no one around here is hiring. He has an interview on Monday at 8:30, but it sucks because its part-time selling cell phones, and he gets paid by how many he sells. It's not the best job. It totally sucks! I also have an interview on Wednesday to work at a female clothing store thats just opening up. And man do I hope I get it. Oh I just remember I posted that already! Lol.. Bad memory. =D
So anyways, today David and I had a REALLY BAD arguement. We were gonna seperate. And then I ask, "How the hell did we get here? I'll take half of the blame, because I know I had a part in it. But you have to take your part in it also." And I got one of those moments where things in a relationship go down-hill so you want out, and all of a sudden your about to lose them, and your like, "NO!" Yea I had one of those, and I realized that I really don't want to lose him. I was being selfish, and inconsiderate of how he was feeling. As well as he with me. During the arguement, we kinda yelled what was bothering the other. I told him about how I hate that he's never here, and since the beginning all I've wanted was his time, attention, and love. And he told me that I nag about everything he wants to do. Which is true but only because he's never with us. And after that, I just left the room and I really, like desperately needed a hug. And I was too torn, and pissed off to ask him to give me one. (I thought it was over at that point.) So I looked at my baby and I picked her up, and I sat down.
She looks at me, and sees that I'm crying, and she was staring at me. Then she hugged me. I'd start crying again, and she'd look at me again. She touched my face, and I like squeezed her a little bit (not too much!) for her to give me a hug again, and she did. I'd start crying again, and she looked at me, and touched my nose, and gave me another hug. All this time she wasn't making any noises, or trying to get out of my grasp. She actually comforted me. At only one! I was just so astonished! It was the most cutest, the most beautiful moment a mother could have with their one-year old. She made me smile. She made me feel so much better just with that gesture. 
I put her on the floor to walk, and she walked to the room to where her daddy was at. I grabbed her hand and led her to the living room. And she walked over there again, and this time he came out to the living room with her. And it's like he calmed down considerably because of her, too. And I saw them together, and how they love each other sooooo much. It's the cutest thing ever when they're together. And just the picture of them together brought tears to my eyes. And he saw that so he put her down, and gave me a hug, and said, "I love you with all my heart.". And OMG how I needed that! One of those hugs that just make everything feel better, and those words ((sigh)). I got a hug from my baby, and another from him. It helped me a lot. And I really started crying and I said, "I don't want to lose you." And he said, "You know that no matter what, I love you, and I will always love you. We could argue, and say things in the heat of the moment. But I will never leave you." (It was all in spanish, cuz he doesn't really speak english, lol. I mean we live in PR!) And we were fine after that. All day he's been doing or saying things to show me he cares. Like (I know this may sound stupid), but I sneezed, and he said, "Bless you." Trust me it's a shock, because he never says that! And he's been saying, "I love you", and "Thank you", a lot today, and I appreciate that. Sometimes we fight like this, and then it'll get better for a while, and then it gets back to this, and it gets better. Back and forth, back and forth, lol. But I'd rather fight with him, than be all alone. I really have been unappreciative, and just plain mean. You know I just realized right now, that I get like this when I'm PMSing, or like now, when my hormones are just raging! But I shouldn't get like that because he's been there for me through EVERYTHING!!! In the beginning of our relationship, well when I turned 18, actually. LITERALLY ON MY BIRTHDAY! I SWEAR! My mom and her husband had this plan to try and sabotage what we had going. It didn't work. And she hates it. But I don't care, because it's MY life. Not hers. But I realized only 2 weeks ago, thanks to Impacto Vital, that she wanted the best for me, but the way she went about it, was not the way to do it, because it's caused for us to not be on speaking terms. But he was there through it all. When I got pregnant, and told him, he could've just left me. But he didn't. He stuck it out with me. And instead of looking at all his faults, I need to look at all the good things he's done for me and our daughter. And him just being here means a lot. (He hasn't gone anywhere all day, and he's been playing with Jay, and talking to me) I have been in a serious relationship before, almost 2 years, but I have to say I NEVER felt what I feel now, with my ex. I was never IN love with him. What I feel for my baby daddy is love. And I need to learn to appreciate it, and embrace it. Love has it's up's and down's. It's difficult, and it can suck. It can hurt, and ruin the way you feel about love, forever. But when you do have it, cherish it. It's not something you want to lose. And I know that I don't want to lose him, or our little family, which may or may not be expanding. We love each other, and we're here for each other. All this fighting is worth it, if I can have what I've had in front of my face for 2 years, but I was just too blind to realize it. LOVE.

 Quote of the day:
"Everything in life changes you in some way, even the smallest things. If you do not accept these changes, you do not accept yourself. For through these changes, brings new and greater things to you, making you wiser as time progresses. To avoid these changes is a loss. You only live your life once. Do not waste a minute of it avoiding things. Let them come to you, and learn from them. There is always tomorrow. "