So. I think I just had an epiphany. I read "Dear World" by Peyton. And I absolutely love her blog. I'm behind tho, cuz I just started with this blog stuff, but one that she posted about a year ago really hit home. "I want a boyfriend who will tell me how he feels about me, who will hold my hand at the movies, a boyfriend who doesn't call me names when he's mad or start stupid fights as a result of his own insecurities. I want a boyfriend who's confident on the INSIDE as well as the outside, who's fun, spontaneous, masculine and attractive. Someone who will really be there for me, who knows when I'm having a bad day and tries to make me feel better. Someone who likes me for who I am and enjoys just having me around. A guy who thinks I'm sexy and knows he's lucky to have me. But most of all, I want a MAN. Not just a guy. A man who wants me. Me. A man who wants to be with me. Not just a part of me, but the whole me, just as I am."
(Peyton, if your reading this, I'm sorry I stole this from you, but it's just so....inspiring. Please don't be mad!)
As I was reading that, I started to cry. Because I can relate to that. The difference is, that I'm still with the guy. And it's just hard because he is my daughter's father. I don't want her to grow up without her father. I mean they're crazy about e.o, and I don't want to take that away from her. I'm waiting for the day for him to change, and for things to go back to the "Honeymoon phase." But in the back of my mind, I know it's not gonna happen. So WHY THE HELL DO I PUT UP WITH IT? WHY AM I STILL WITH HIM? WHY DO I DO IT TO MYSELF, WHEN I'M JUST MISERABLE, AND DEPRESSED MOST OF THE TIME? You know, I honestly can't answer those questions. MY OWN QUESTIONS! That.... I ask myself everytime we argue. When we don't argue, everything is fine, and I'm happy but still the doubt in the back of my mind. But when we argue, I want to just punch him in the face and tell him to get the fuck out, not to worry about his daughter cuz she'll be fine, and I'm the one who takes care of her anyway. I TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!It hurts me so bad. Like a pain I can't even describe. But not the thought about losing him. The thought of "how the HELL did we get here?" And I don't know what to do! My heart wants to leave but my feet won't move. Or maybe in my case it's backwards. It's like I'm stuck. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! It's not as simple as picking up and leaving, because who's going to suffer in the end? My daughter. I don't want her to suffer like I did growing up. My mom took me away from my Dad for NO reason. I wasn't in contact with him for 6 YEARS! And then in 2007 I found him on Myspace, and we started talking, he sent me MY FIRST monthly phone.(cuz my mom didn't think it was necessary, and "too expensive." i bought my first phone EVER. a piece of shit pre-paid phone when i was 14. but it was a phone.) I went to see him in 2008 for a vacation and to catch up on all the lost time. I was and still am a Daddy's Girl.He's my best friend. And now I live close-by to him. But because of what my mom did, (and trust me she's done A LOT more to me) she and I don't talk today. I don't want to do that with my daughter. But I sure as hell am not gonna leave my baby either. That's not even an option. So what do I do? I DON'T KNOW! It's like a lose-lose situation. If I TRY to communicate with him (of course I have to wait until we're both calm)he'll just say, "Let's forget about it. Everything's fine." And that's it. I have to let it go. But deep inside I'm still hurting. I just don't push it. And I don't know why!!! I HATE THIS ABOUT MYSELF! I FEEL WEAK, AND HELPLESS, AND JUST UGGGHHH! HURT. LONELY. FRUSTERATED. DISAPPOINTED. BETRAYED in a way. I wish I had the courage to do what Peyton did, and just kick his ass to the curb, or tell him "Shape up, or ship out." But I think deep inside I am scared of losing him. And I really don't want him out of my daughter's life. I don't want to take that away from them. So again, I'm back here. STUCK. I look at my baby and smile, and want to cry because I would never want to hurt her, or cause her pain in any way, or cause her to suffer in any way. I want to protect her from anything and everything. I know I can't, but from a broken home, I can protect her from. The question is, HOW?????
2 comments:
Idk honey, that's a tough one.
However! Just b/c you decide to live him, doesn't automatically mean he won't be in her life. I have known plenty of ppl that their parent's weren't together and still had great relationships with both parents. As long as both those parents make the effort to see their kids. (and ok.. correct me if I'm dead wrong.. but from what I read in your posts.. he pretty much works all day, then goes out with friends at night. Currently.. when is he really spending any time with her!?? And I don't mean just sitting infront of the TV while she's in the room, or changing a diaper here and there...)
The question you need to ask yourself is this:
Is staying in an unhappy relationship really healthy for her? Even at a very young age, children can pick up on emotions and the overall atmosphere. If you are unhappy, if the situation is unhappy, if home life is stressful, she will feel it and it will affect her.
My philosophy is this....... and I've given it to many of my friends in the same situation: Why stay and make 3 lives miserable,.. when you can live seperately and be happy? Life's too short to be unhappy :)
omg u r so right. in the end, she suffers regardless. i dont want that. but i know if we split up, he'll probably move to the states. and he has a son which he never sees nor does he call to ask how he's doing. so i just know that its going to come to that. but its ok cuz i've always been the one taking care of her and i'll keep doing it till the end. and yeaaa when he works, he gets home kinda late, then goes rite back out with his friends. i swear in a week, he'll probably spend like an hour total. unless he's obligated to take care of her. but i take care of her by myself. like right now he's in the other room watching tv and im in the living room with my baby. and as usual we are arguing rite now. but i dont mind cuz i get her all to myself =) and its gonna be his loss not mine nor hers cuz shes being taken good care of and she always will be. and wat am i to miss? all we do is sleep in the same bed 2gthr. thats it. and he takes me where i need to go whenever that is which is not often. THATS IT. it sucks.
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