I REGRET coming to Puerto Rico

Ever since I moved here, all I've had is BAD LUCK. I HATE being here.
My dad keeps pestering and bitching about finding a job. Hello? I don't have my high school diploma, and NO ONE around here is hiring. I had to look for jobs AN HOUR away from where I live. Oh, and here's a new lie: He has to pay $600 a month MORE in taxes. He said that for everyone in PR who earns more than $50,000 a year, has to pay that much more a month in taxes. BULLSHIT! I even looked it up on GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I'm so sick of his bullshit. I really am. Oh, and on Monday, while I was telling him about the drama that happened with David, he said, "We're, no not we, because I can't help you with this. But you have to get a job. I can't help you. If anything happens to you, I can't help you. And where is David gonna go? We're going to have to move you to the metro area. And what about Jaslin? Who will take care of her?" Then, when I was explaining my answerS to him, he said, "Stephanie, I can't talk about this right now. I need to go." Because he was with Rosa, and her mom. Notice that he didn't offer for me to stay with him, like he used to. He used to JUMP (not literally, but ya know what I mean!), and automatically say I could stay with him. He didn't even SLIGHTLY mention it.


He hasn't been a big part of my life, lately. Please don't get me wrong. I'm VERY happy that he's happy, and he's finally found "The One", I just don't like how he's been treating US. He has been showing more love and attention to his fiance, and step-daughter, than he has his own daughter, and granddaughter. 
Whenever he calls me, I end up so pissed off, all I want to do is cry. EVERY TIME!!!  Now, when he calls me, ALL he talks about is him not being able to help us, if one of us has found a job, if I UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE of finding a job, and him not being able to help us, and how he has no money. Oh, yeah, and Rosa.  Geez Dad, I wonder why you have no money?!?!?! 
He hasn't criticized Jaslin's weight anymore, but all he talks about is MONEY, MONEY, MONEY. Today, while we were talking, he asked where was David.
me: working.
him: oh, good! when is he going to pick up the applications? (he has applications for a security guard job.) 
me: idk. whenever he has time.
him: did he work yesterday?
me: no.
him: i see. so he could have come to pick them up yesterday, but he didn't?
me: .........................
him: stephanie, next month, i won't be able to pay your rent. maybe HALF of it, but not all of it. you guys need to move on the job front.
me: ok.
him: do you understand what i'm telling you?
me: yes
him: are you sure?
me: yes.
him: your sure?
me: yes.
him: ok. i'm not going to keep pushing you guys on this. the applications are on top of the table. i won't keep pushing you guys. but you need to understand that i can't help you anymore.
me: ok.
After the "I love you's", we hung up. I HATE it when he asks if I understand something. Sometimes, I can be a little slow, but I'm NOT A FUCKING 5 YEAR OLD!!! 
I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY. 
I UNDERSTAND THAT WE NEED TO GET A FUCKING JOB.
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CAN'T HELP US ANYMORE.
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HELP US WITH THE RENT NEXT MONTH. 
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON'T HAVE MONEY.
I UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND. I FUCKING UNDERSTAND!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I UNDERSTAND?!?!?!?!? AND THAT I'M NOT A FUCKING 5 YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, DAD, DO YOU? CUZ I SURE AS FUCKING HELL DO!

Ahem. Sorry about that, I got a little carried away. I couldn't help myself. I'm just tired of him complaining. Ever since he's been engaged, he never has money, nor time, and is always sleepy. He's always saying how he misses us, but NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER asks when is he going to us, or if he can come over HERE. NEVER!! 
My hard-drive is messed up. While I'm typing this, my computer can just crash. Just like that. It can shut off, and never turn back on. We found this out the weekend I stood at his house, because he installed Linux into my computer. TWO. WEEKS.
Has he called in to ask for a replacement? Nope. His excuse, "No. I haven't had any time to do it." HAVEN'T HAD ANY TIME?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOUR WITH ROSA? WHAT ABOUT ON SATURDAY? YOUR LUNCH-BREAK?????? WHAT ABOUT THEN? OH WAIT, I'M SORRY. I FORGOT. YOU ARE ALWAYS BUSY. WITH YOUR FIANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, again. 

Monday night, after David got off of work, my Dad called him so that he could go to his house, to take some flowers to my Grandmother, because my Dad doesn't have any time to take them to her, and they're going to die in his house. You know where he was? Rosa's house. How come that in the time he goes to see Rosa, he can't take the damn flowers to my Grandmother? And why the fuck didn't he just get them on Saturday and take them to her?!???!?! Because I'm pretty sure he already has plans with Rosa. He's not coming to see me ON MY BIRTHDAY. Nooooooooo. He'd lose time with his fiance. What is he doing for Mother's  Day? Gonna be with Rosa, that's what he's going to do. Even though he should go see his MOTHER and wish her a Happy Mother's Day PERSONALLY, and thank her for giving him life. 
I am SOOOO thankful that David's boss isn't being an asshole, and is actually CALLING him to work. Even though he got into an argument with him on Monday, he's still calling him to work. (they argued because his boss is a cheap asshole, and he'll over work his employees, but under pay them. for 10 hours, he wanted tp pay david $45.) With that money, I wanted to go to the movies on my birthday, and out to dinner on Mother's Day. I decided not to. Even though I want to go out so bad, I'm not going to. I already told David that with that money, we're going to save it, and pay the fucking rent. All David has to do is work 8 days to pay the rent. Well, maybe like 9-10 cuz of his child support. Its $30 weekly.
I regret coming here so badly. 

In NY, David had a GOOD PAYING STABLE job. We could have saved up, and moved to another state, or something. Its not easy getting a damn job here. With the economy, and where we live. We have to get a job AT LEAST a half hour away, maybe even an hour.. 
I hate being here. Ever since my Dad started with his shit, I am SO depressed. I'm always so sad, and mad. (i'm sorry. i know i'm being repetitive.)
Another thing. The SAME EXACT THING that my mom did to me, my Dad is doing to me little by little. He's slowly, but surely abandoning me. He doesn't call me as often. And when he does, all he does is complain, criticize, and bitch about money. He never asks to see us anymore. IDK if it's Rosa telling him stuff about us, or his decision. I really don't know. But lately, he has CHANGED. At first, he changed for the better. But now, he changed for the WORST. Little by little he has pushed me, and my daughter COMPLETELY to the side. 
Every time he calls me, I cringe. Literally. I wonder, "What the fuck is he going to say now? Why is he calling me, now? What the fuck does he want, now?" 
I don't even want him calling me, anymore. I even told David, crying, might I add, "I HOPE THAT AS SOON AS HE GETS MARRIED, HE STOPS FUCKING CALLING ME! I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT! I DON'T WANT HIM CALLING ME ANYMORE!" I used to LOVE talking to my Dad. He WAS my best friend. 
Now, he's a lousy friend, and Dad. (sorry, but its true) I appreciate EVERYTHING he has done for us, and helped us out so much, but damn. He NEVER complained until he got engaged, and started WAISTING his money on SHIT. I can't wait till one of us gets a job. David has been looking, I've been looking, and to NO avail. NO ONE is hiring around here. I've even looked more than an hour away from where I live because I'm so fucking DESPERATE! 
I hope I get a damn job soon. Then, he can take his money, and shove it up his ass. I'm sorry if I sound cruel, I'm just sooo....down. 


On another note, David and I are doing OK, I guess. He's the type of person who doesn't like talking about arguments, or problems, and I do like resolving the issues. I try to talk about it with him in subtle hints, but he doesn't want to. It's still bothering the shit out of me, and thinking about it makes me want to cry, but soon enough, I won't be able to hold it in anymore. We haven't said "I love you" in THREE days. We hadn't even kissed in 3 days, until today, when he got home. 
I don't dare say it to him, because of what he said to me on Monday. In case I didn't post it here, he said, "I loved you so much. But now, the love I have for you is hardly there. I don't love you as much as I used to." IDK if he said it out of anger, or what it was. But I'm not gonna tell him I love him, if he isn't going to tell it to me first. And I told him today before he got home from work, "You know we haven't kissed or said I love you in 3 days, right?" 
him: its been longer than that.
me: no. its been 3. i used to say it to you all the time, but ever since you said that on monday, i'm too scared to say it to you, because maybe you'll just say it back because i said it. 
him: he changed the subject.
So, IDK what we're going to do. IDK how he feels. IDK if we're going to stay together, or separate. I do know that ever since then, I have a wall around my heart, because I'm tired of getting hurt by everyone I love most. 
I'm gonna TRY to not pay attention to my Dad's comments. But sooner or later, I'm gonna blow up on him just like I did with my Mom. I respect. But once you start getting on my fucking nerves, I'll hold out a little longer, until I can't anymore, and then I'll blow up. And I'm gonna do the same with David. I won't be able to hold out much longer. Trust me. 


Pray for me guys, please. Pray that I get a job. Soon. Please! I'm desperate!!!